I like the peace in the backseat; where our seatbelts are the only things keeping us from melting into eachother entirely. You talk and I listen. Somehow my hand becomes fused with yours. I just stare at your thumb slipping slowly across the back of my hand as you talk about personality tests and music. It wasn't planned and you're still wearing your tux. But that only makes it more wonderful.

About today.

There's something about spending an entire day reading. It's wonderful. You still get that sleepy feeling after, but it's not the same laborious droning buzz you get after a day of TV. It's different. It's light. And if you keep your window open, it feels even lighter. Summer is perfect for this interminable reading.

I wrote a short story.

The sky of downtown New York City looked like a dead TV channel as it loomed above the over-crowded streets. William Burdet, a successful man of business, ran his fingers through his dark hair impatiently as he moved through the massive swarm of pedestrians. Checking his watch, he swayed in the cattle-like throng. “Late. Late, late, late!” he muttered, and shouldered a red-haired woman in order to make a crossing light. “It’s only fair,” he justified. “I was cut off myself at the last light. It’s my turn.” Cars - adding to the ridiculous amount of people - roamed behind William’s heels as he stepped onto the curb.

William trudged on the other side of the street. Immediately to the left of him, a man dressed as Santa rang a golden bell for charity. The tinkling of the bell sounded like clanging to William’s agitated and headachy mind. As he passed, he was full of contempt. Suddenly, Santa collapsed. William was caught underneath him and used his shoulder best he could to hoist him up. Stumbling under the man’s substantial weight, he quickly and awkwardly glanced around for help. But the crowd just moved past him in a single body, like a river flowing between the buildings. Looking down at Santa’s face, William’s surprise and embarrassment turned quickly to distress. The man’s milky blue eyes were wide open and dead centered. His face was a greyish and pale blue, as if all blood had suddenly vanished from inside him.

“Help! Someone, this man needs help! Somebody call 911!”

No one responded.

“Sir, can you help me? Can you help him?” he pleaded, grabbing the long black coat of a man passing by. As if William’s hand were a nail the coat had momentarily snagged on, the stranger unhooked it and shoved past. Every human racing past seemed perfectly unaware of William’s continued shouts, or even the man in red, slumped on his resting place of cement. Giving up on the oblivious mass around him, William quickly thrust his hand underneath the plastic white curls of his beard. No pulse.

William cursed the phone he left on the table in his rush to leave the apartment. Who was going to call the police? Anyone? William’s head swam. “There is a man laying dead on the sidewalk next to me...” his dry lips bobbed up and down, unable to make sense of anything. “For no reason at all.” He choked. “And nobody can see him but me.” He stood up, putting his hands behind his head and staring with trepidation into each face as it passed him. “You’re all human, aren’t you?” Without warning, a woman’s face fell from view.

City noises blurred in William’s ears as her body met the pavement. Same bloodless face and wide eyes looking at nothing. Dropping like she was suddenly made of lead. No blood, no wound, no contusions or signs of failure. Nothing but a comatose pile of limbs. Then a small boy, only feet away, fell as well. His sister followed, flopping over like a rag doll. Then another, as if it’s heart and lungs ceased to exist. One head at a time sank in the black sea of coats. One head at a time, William scrambled from human to human, shoving his fingers on warm dead neck after warm dead neck. “How is this happening? How is this possible?” He said over and over, growing increasingly breathless until the words could only be mouthed. He licked his dry lips once again, thinking of nothing and everything all at once. The once tamed curls on his head became mangled by his hands. People walked. They stared right past him, rubbing his sides as they traveled. Some dropped, blue and warm. Some kept walking. William began looking for some sort of pattern telling who would drop next, but it was purely unpredictable. As he peered over the multitude of heads, a man fell dead at his feet. As he looked down, he heard a sickening thud ahead and looked up. Right, left, front, behind, up, down. “This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening!” Grabbing a random stranger by the arm, he pleaded with her. ”Please,” he said pointing to the nearest body. “Tell me you see that man right there, on the ground. Right there, see him?” The young lady he had grabbed remained composed in this sudden disruption of her life. Tilting her head, she claimed calm and simple tones.

“There’s nothing there, sir.”

“No, there is a man and he’s dead! Look at his face, he’s dead!”

“I don’t think so.”

William roared and shoved her aside. Grabbing another woman, he yelled “Here!” and pulled her down to meet the corpse on the ground. “This man is dead. He just dropped.” The woman stood right back up, brushing off her skirt and muttering something about psychopathic idiots. William’s eyes followed her in amazement as she walked away, joining the concourses of walking and dropping people. He screamed and pivoted when she dropped too, the freshest corpse.

Taxis began careening as their drivers died as well. One forehead fell flat on the horn in a never-ending note. Then another joined in harmony, until vehicle after vehicle added to the blearing chorus of car horns. William began running in circles. Some people he shook madly in the direction of a body. Others he clung to, begging for help or signs of his sanity. Then be began holding people on the street. He held them until they dropped. Talking to them.  Weeping when they suddenly shrugged lifeless in his arms.  He got to know a few, if they let him. And when they yelled, “Hey buddy, get offa me! What’s your problem??” he could only hug tighter. “Don’t drop,” He’d sob, “Don’t drop.” One woman tore her pepper spray from her purse before diminishing to the sidewalk beneath them. Another hugged him right back, almost tighter. The car horns didn’t stop.

Hours passed. Numbers of those walking became acutely scarce. The buildings seemed to grow taller and more ominous as night came, like a secret police for New York. Heaps of black and blue bodies rounded the once geometric streets. Sometimes after a person slipped from William’s arms, he would sway in place, catching himself at each angle and staring at where they had been. He was now unable to grasp the sheer number of souls he had watched snatched right out of their cases. How many people no longer existed? No matter whom he followed with his eyes, they would eventually drop and there was nothing he could do. Mountains of coats and human appendages formed what was genocide without cause. He closed his eyes. It felt as if he hadn’t closed them in days. He didn’t even know where in New York he was, now and he didn’t care. It was near silent now, apart from a couple car horns left sounding. Traffic had stopped completely and taxis ran idle with their senseless passengers vibrating along with the engine. With his eyes closed, he knew how apocalyptic the scene looked. He had watched it unfold. It looked as if he were in some movie or nightmare: real and unreal at the same time.  Most windows were unlit, for pretty much everyone had deceased before it became dark enough to flip lights on. Only a few automatic streetlights illuminated the forsaken roads and barren faces. The January air, once filled with the balmy breath of human life, had gone cold. Imagine: a place ever restless, resting. Like a star that has no more will to pulsate going dark, leaving a wounding and ghastly void.

For the first time in his life, William felt like he belonged with everyone that was dead. Dragging his reddened eyes from the concrete, he set their steady gaze on the equally gray and flat sky. It was beginning to let snowflakes fall. His ears longed for the sound of footsteps. He strained. He searched as he had for a long time. But he knew he was now the only one who hadn’t fallen dead. Was he above everyone else in some way? What was he supposed to do? No one was left. Nobody. He is King of the Dead. Lord of the Dropping Like Flies. He certainly didn’t feel exalted. William sat sagging in his skin on a curb, as if he would decay at any moment; more ready for death than any of the thousands he had watched die in the past 12 hours. His head hung weightily with the burden of living. How lucky everyone else had been to slip so promptly and painlessly into death.  They were welcomed by it, while William now had to beg. He stood. He did this without fully recognizing he was the only man on earth who could. But somewhere, he felt it.

“This isn’t fair.”

Doctor Who

Around 11, my phone started ringing. And I danced to my ringtone for a while.... Then I remembered that I'm supposed to answer it when it does that, and I answered just in time. Over the line, I heard Kresten's voice say "Outside, your destiny awaits you *click*". I stupidly said "See ya" and I ran outside where there was a big white car thing in front of my house... It was a weird vehicle. It was also Kyle's. And  Kresten, Kyle, and Gavin came to give me more Doctor Who to watch! :3 MY WEEKEND WILL BE ADVENTUROUS AND 3D.


PS, if Rory dies one more time... I'm gonna throw a chinchilla to Saturn. Or something.  

Some people are inspirational.

"I am the only person that can make me miserable. I am the only person that can make me sad. I am the only person that can make me happy. So maybe instead of fixing everything else: I should just fix myself?" - Sam 


I hope you don't mind that I'm quoting you. 

Hello, 1 AM.

You know those days where you just kinda feel sad for no reason? Yeah that was today. Well, there are smallish reasons, I guess. And they are indeed very smallish.

But the littlest things... when they're on your mind... they seem to kind of fog everything up. And slowly weigh you down. It just hangs there in the front of your mind and you can't shake it. ...It's like when teeny tiny things get up really close to your face, and you can't see anything else but that thing. It looks big and blurry and ominous, but it isn't. Not in reality.
Rawrgh. This is hard to explain.

I just hate it when I'm lame enough to focus on my small sadnesses. It makes it hard to see the bigger picture.

I feel like writing something. Anything.

Hey. I'm just going to write. I don't know what about yet. But I'm just going to keep typing and see what comes out of this brain of mine.

So today it rained. It rained a lot. And for the first time in months, I slid my window open and rested on my window sill. Let the rain slap me in the face. Have you ever payed attention to each individual drop as it hits your skin? You can feel each one, really sort of sharp and cold. I like how rain wakes you up like that. It's like somebody snapping in your face while you've been sleeping. But for some reason you like it, and you get up. You'd think that the relentless pitter patter would become bothersome, but somehow, it's refreshing. It makes everything newer and brighter. Not darker and grayer. In fact, one of my favorite things about rain is that when the grass is pale and yellow, it sort of turns it into a deep gold. The white sidewalks become dark mirrors, too. You can look down into it and see your misshapen and dreamy reflection, and it doesn't look like you but at the same time it does. Then the rain slowly dampens you until you've finally realized you're soaked. But you don't really care. You just go on sitting in it anyway. And the way it smells... who would ever think that wet dirt and concrete could smell like that? Oh, and the best is when there's thunder. I've always compared it to the bass at a concert. How you can kind of feel it in your throat and your bones. It makes your heart beat faster when it rumbles really low, like it's hungry or something. Then sometimes it'll attack you with a sharp crack. I think that's why little kids are scared of thunder, cause it sounds like it wants to eat you. It doesn't scare me anymore, though. I mostly just soak it in. Let it shiver in me. I like shivering, cause usually that means it's time to go inside and make hot chocolate. And maybe a fort. Watch a movie or two. I like getting warm, afterwards. Like falling back asleep after the rain wakes you up so earnestly. Speaking of sleeping, it's almost 11:00... And I'm guessing that my brain still has a lot of thoughts to cover before it'll let me sleep. So I better get in bed. Night.

I need to be chastised rather harshly right now.

Dear  Sad and Dramatic Little Teenage Sabrina,

You know what normal people do when they're feeling down? They try and get happy. Did you know that? They don't go into a sneaky hate spiral, they go call their friends or help their mom or hug their puppy or something. You have friends. You have a mom. You may not have a puppy, but that's okay. Kittens are equally if not more adorable. 

But the point is. 

You can't stay sad for petty reasons. Those things may seem big right now, but they DO NOT MATTER. They are a small moment in an infinite amount of beginning-less and endless time. What matters is how you deal with your problems. What matters are the choices you make. Think of how big the universe is. How big are you? Insignificant. You're tiny problem means NOTHING to the universe. Literally. So don't expect it to, okay? These things come and go. They pass. It's LIFE. You're wasting your time flushed and fretting. Think of all the wonderful and meaningful things you could be doing with all this time and breath God gives you EVERY SINGLE DAY. He put that air in your lungs. He put that brain in your head. Are you seriously going to waste that? Because it wasn't created to be wasted. The things you do in this life on earth determine your eternity. Eternity is at stake, Sabrina. Shape up. 

Love, 

Smarter, Healthier, and Happier Sabrina.

:)

I feel like my old self again. Old friends, old routines, old music... I'm loving the familiarity that is my life right now. Don't get me wrong. I love change and without it life would be boring and whatnot and so-on. I've learned quite a lot from the events that took me by surprise and made me think outside of my little happy bubble. But I needed this. Not saying that I'm back in the "happy bubble".  I just needed to be slightly less heartbroken. And a heck of a lot stronger in the gospel. So I have been making goals and plans like I used to, and I'm spending way more time with my family. I've been thinking for myself and writing and drawing. I'm choosing to enjoying life. The people I wanted so badly to be happy are, and I am too. I really hoped it would turn out this way. I shall now...
1. BEG my mom to un-block Grooveshark (again)
2. Experience extreme withdrawal symptoms (foaming at the mouth, refusing food for days on end, etc.) when she says no.
3. Get in my PJ's (pajamas means you're going to bed, PJ's means you're staying up)
4. Brush ma teeth
3. Finish chemistry (gag me with a spoon)
4. Read my scriptures
5. Say my prayers
6. Go to bed. Ish.

(PS, that was A List of Things I Shall Now Do)

I like fall break.

I got an idea for a song while drying my hair. So I ran to the computer (hair still damp) and started typing. Then the ideas just keep coming and coming, and before I knew it, I had these lyrics on my screen. Lots of pent up creative energy has to come out sometime, I guess. I've been so busy with school and whatnot that I haven't done anything like this in a while. Felt great. :) Here are the lyrics:

You cut my hair in the foreboding pre-dawn

And in the dimness, I looked at the ground

The snip and slice of scissors laced my neck

Thought to myself, “I’ll have to wear scarves now”

You shaped my soul in the feathery white trees

And my lungs were altered in alien ways

You sank in freezing water, and took me with you

Now this heaving cold won’t go away

It’s too early to be up this late

And I can’t, no I can’t swallow

Cough and wheeze my heart out

I cough and wheeze my heart out

I’ve got this sickness 

That I can’t sleep through

You bumped the snow in the bright white midnight

And came knocking at my door too late

Tried the knob, but it had frozen over

It said... “Too early to be up this late."

The sun’s too bright

For my indoor eyes

And the snow’s so bright, it could melt

Yeah, the moon’s so bright

In my pale blue eyes

Yeah, the snow’s so bright

Don’t fall in!

Cause you’ll put angels on the ground

It’s too early to be up this late

And I can’t, no I can’t swallow

Cough and wheeze my heart out

I cough and wheeze my heart out

I’ve got this sickness 

That I can’t sleep through

YAWN

I'm tired. I've been up doing homework for a while. But I just like getting it done well. Making it look good. You know. For health, I had to write a children's book about healthy living. And man, is it cute! Can't wait until we get to read them to the little kids in the daycare center. :) But I just need to go to bed now. UGH jk I have to finish that chemistry project. Do you have any idea how much I do not care about ATOMS? I seriously do not give a french toast. But whatever. Gotta learn stuff. So I can go to collage. And help my poor kids with THEIR homework. Hah.. I should stop typing now. Because I want to say a LOT of things. A LOT. And I would type into the wee hours of the morning if I could. But alas. Homework. Ugh. Bye.

PS, I can't wait for the future. My future. I'm so excited. I want to do so many things.

Today was kind of really awesome...

I was at school from 7 o' clock in the morning to 11:30 PM.
I AM SO FREAKING TIRED.
But I had a lot of fun today. Felt like myself. AAAAAND we won our game. Hallelujah. I am going to pass out on my bed now. Night.

PS, here is me and my best friend. This is the fun we had today. Stuff. The end.

I am a fantastic list maker.

I love being a Miamaid... I almost never want to turn 16 ever. Laurels seems kind of.. boringish. But of course I'm gonna turn 16. But anyway.
Today in our Miamaid lesson, we each made a list of qualities we want our future husband to have.
Now I love lists as you might know. And so I was thrilled.
I have even done this activity before in young women's, and had never really been that excited about it. But this time, in like 20 minutes, I had over 40 things on my list.
I usually am not like that.. it takes me a while to think of things like that on the spot.
(Which is part of the reason why The Cute List is still under construction. That and my laziness.) But I guess this list was an easy one.
Maybe I'll post the List of Qualities of My Awesome Future Husband later. But right now my mother is cooking bacon. I can tell, because the house suddenly smells awesome. This is a rarity, so I am going to dash down the stairs now and dance around the kitchen. While eating bacon. ...Bye.

Megan.

"Don't put my name on the Internet, it's dangerous."
"No, I am not even kidding."
"I suspect kyleigh.."
"Hehe I'll tell you when you're 50 hehe"
"Ssssssssss"
"Ssssssssssab."
"Are you gonna wright that down, huh?"
"Dad said that I sound like a walrus... Or a seal..."
"Ssssssssssunny."
"My earrs arre pieeeerrced"
"...It's a t."
"I like the white hairs on my arms.. They make me look tanner."
"Heeheehee Tanner. Toupe."
"Want me to iron your pants?"
"Ssssssssssabbyrina."
"Nooowuh!"

Now you know what a silly little girl my sister is.

Boredom.

I have never been so bored in my whole young life. I have nothing to do, no where to go, no one to talk to, nothing to see... Feels that way at least. So to entertain myself, I will make a list of things in my view at the present time.

A LIST OF THINGS IN MY VIEW AT THE PRESENT TIME
-my blinds
-a bug on my blinds
-a dead bug on my blinds
-a red crayon mark on the wall
-mirror on the floor
-note from Karly on the floor
-tiny tv. Also on the floor.
-space themed stencils.. Let's just assume everything in my room is on the floor.
-Beach Boys CD
-CD player
-radio
-an abused and pathetic looking calculator
-gigantic crayon full of change
-That Thing You Do tape
-You've Got Mail tape
-purple barbie tutu... Jami was here.
-ducky bathrobe
-favorite sweater
-new favorite sweater
-my still packed suitcase.. I should take care of that
-a teeny little piece of paper on which I wrote "The sort of person the prisoner became was a result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone."
Hm. Must be a quote from Man's Search for Meaning.
-The Book Thief
-crayola glow station
-my open journal ..(closes journal)
-a blue ceramic strawberry
-a rock painted to look like a space nebula
.. Maybe I should clean my room. Haha. See ya.

"This is bad news bears." -Amanda the Hilarious

I got some good news, and some bad news.
Bad news is I have to pee and we won't see a gas station on this road for another 2 hours. :( Good news is, I'm headed home! :D
Hey, more good news: My burns are getting better. They are still hurting and I look stupid, but frankly, I don't care anymore. I am just one happy duck who has a new-found love for The Beach Boys and a corndog in her tummy. It is impossible to be unhappy now, I swear. Life is good.

The end.

Calfilornya.

Hey. It's 11:21, here in Oceanside, California. And today was one of the most stupid days of my life. I got me some really bad sunburn.
And lemme tell ya.
I will never forget sunblock again as long as I live. Haha. All my cousins are staying on the beach with us and we were boogie boarding all day. I love being in the sun all day. Minus the repercussions where you sit in bed with 2nd degree burns while everyone else is at Universal Studios. :( It hurts so much. I can't sleep without pills. I usually don't succomb to pain relievers, but I just want to sleep so badly. Pain, pain, stupid pain. You are stupid and I don't like you.
But I got to eat pickles in bed all day, so that's a plus.
Well, just thought I would blog a bit before I tried sleeping. Man I'm tired. And I like being ungrounded. And I like pickles. And I like someone. And yeah. Life. Night.

The Difference One Can Make

Feelin pretty dang good. :) Today Karly and Aubrey and I listened to this LDS CD called The Difference One Can Make. Probably thee freaking most inspirational talk I have ever listened to in my whole young life. It was about this guy named Kent Williams who was just an amazing kid. I mean.. I don't know how to convey his story to you in a way that would be as awesome as I heard it and I don't think I ever could. You'll just have to listen to it and hopefully you'll get what I got out of it. Man, this kid is just my HERO. I am determined to do better and be better in pretty much every aspect of my life. Especially journal writing. K, JUST listen to the CD. Do it. For real.
PS, If you didn't already know: I love this church, I love my ward, I love my friends, I love my teachers, I love my parents, I love the prophets, I love Heavenly Father and Jesus, I love the scriptures, I love the Personal Progress program, man I just love LIFE. I mean it, all of it.

Cherry Lemonade.

I have never actually had it. But since it's lemonade, I'm confident that it's fantastic. I'm pretty sure that lemonade is more necessary to my body than water is. It's all I drink in the summer, which I realize probably isn't a good thing. But hey, I'm happy. I'm very happy, in fact. I got stuck in a rut for a while there, but now I have a life, feels like. Went to an open tennis practice at the high school today, and I LOVED it. I feel like I'm progressing in something for once. I feel great since I started back up on tennis. Man, I'm excited for.. I dunno, the rest of the summer. Life's a bowl a' cherries. :D Welp, Cameron's gotta read this before bed. So I gotta stop here. Night.

"Make happy choices." - My Mother.

So I turned on the radio. KOHS-FM, to be exact. Only radio station I will listen to. And this song by Two Door Cinema Club played and it went like this..

Let's make this happen, girl
You gonna show the world that something good can work
and it can work for you
And you know that it will

Made me the happiest I've been all day. I was seriously grinning from ear to ear when I heard these lyrics. And it just made me feel like I could do anything, like my little braid did. And I decided that I need to BE happy. I can make it happen; something good will work. :)