Saturday, June 18, 2011

I shall now ramble on while you have no idea what I'm talking about.

My brain is a mess.
I'm just going to let it all out.
And when I do this I usually make things bigger than they really are in order to explain how I feel. Which is stupid. Anyway. Just a heads up.
I am always second guessing my thoughts and feelings. Just in case I'm wrong. And it makes me very confused and then I confuse other people... it sucks.
And then other times. My mind is completely blank. It's like I can't THINK enough. Like someone put my thinker on pause and I can't find the remote. I say, Sabrina time to think about THIS now, you need to make a decision. 
And nothing happens.
This is not the case with every-day things, like making toast cause I don't really have to think for that. I'm not stupid. But just for more PROMINENT issues and things OTHER people want me to think about. Then I can't decide. Because first I consider what THEY would want me to think, then I have to figure out what I ACTUALLY THINK. That's the hard part. Because sometimes, I convince my brain to think what other people want me to think. Then I end up tricking myself, and I think that what I've convinced my brain to think it what I ACTUALLY THINK. Thats why it's so hard. Make sense? Kinda? No? I understand. Well. If your brain hasn't already choked from being so overloaded. Then I'd like to address another issue.
It is this: I feel alone.
Lately a friend and I have been growing apart. Which makes me extremely sad. Because I have known her since 1st grade and we have always been best friends. But now, we have nothing in common anymore. Our opinions are so different now. We used agree on everything, now we agree on almost nothing. I don't like her music, she doesn't like mine, we don't appreciate the same things, we never want to do the same things, I want to hang out with people she doesn't want to hang out with, I feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me, I feel pushy, I feel unwanted, I feel like I'm mean, I feel stupid, I feel alone, I feel judged all the time, I.. I dunno.
I could be wrong.
But right now, this is how I feel in this moment. Actually, I have felt this way for a while now. And it blows.
And guess what?
All this totally blew over last night. I heard everyone having fun without me from my window and it was like PANG she doesn't need me. I broke down. I almost cried, for pete's sake. Which is stupid. JEEZ, she's allowed to have fun without me, her world doesn't revolve around Sabrina Maxwell. But all the sudden I was.. really sad. Like REALLY sad. Like sad enough to tell other people that I'm sad. That usually doesn't happen. And it was stupid. Cause I told Cameron. Then I couldn't explain why I was sad. I dunno why I'm saying all this. I should probably stop typing now. I just need someone to talk to I guess. :P
Holy crow.
This is long.
I should stop.

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